Healing Thoughts and Prayers

My prayers and thoughts go out to all of the soldiers and their families who sacrifice so much for their country. I was in the Army reserves at 18 years old, I became a military spouse about the time I first became a mother and now my youngest son's wife is serving in the Army and just returned from Iraq. Last week we were all terrified because my Daughter-in-Law is stationed at Ft. Hood and my son is on post at least twice a day and we couldn't make contact with them all day. Finally our son called home that evening to tell us that they were both okay. I thought about all of the family and friends who would never receive that call and it broke my heart. Our country needs healing. I can't help but look back on the days that neighbors welcomed a new neighbor with cookies, people got together to bring dinner and offer help when someone was ill, and community was a support system. Yeah, I grew up watching classic movies and dreaming of growing up and living in a Jimmy Stewart movie. I moved to the country and raised my sons in a small town that doesn't even have a stop light. My mother was always trying to remind me that I was Donna Reed and my boys weren't Wally and the Beav. The world seems to becoming less civilized and definitely not at all like the world I dreamed of for my sons and someday my grandchildren. Maybe each of us cannot change the world alone, but we can do our best to make our little corner a better place.

xo Susi xo

Loggerhead Turtles, My Bucket List and Health Care Reform

Photo courtesy of Save-A-Turtle

Years ago my Dad recommended all of Pat Conroy's novels (especially Beach Music). His description of the birth and journey to the see by the light of the moon gave me a strong desire to be present to see the birth of loggerhead turtles and their instinctive migration to the sea. Today I was tickled to find website with a Live Turtle Webcam to witness a video recording of a hatch here. Being present to see this happen live is definitely on my Bucket List. Today was a tough day that just left me feeling sad and angry about my son's severe medical issues and I kept trying to change activities to lift my spirits and watching the video really shifted my mood. If you have a few minutes, click on the hyperlink and watch this wonderful act of nature.

Last night Mark and I went to downtown Lynchburg for a rally in favor of Healthcare Reform. All of the fear propaganda and misinformation being spread like wildfires forced me to get off my butt and get involved in this issue. Amazingly many of the leaders of the rally and participants are people who have great health insurance and are financially secure and they asked, "What type of human being would want to deny Men, Women and especially Children of this country health care?" Take the insurance industry out of the equation and we will have the money to pay for it. I have friends in England, France and Canada who can't imagine the U.S.A. doesn't realize that to take care of our citizens we will actually save money. I worked for 5 years coordinating the medical and dental care of 70 developmentally disabled adults who had been abandoned at birth, as children or after a traumatic head injury. I always took for granted that the least of us (elderly, children and those who were unable to advocate for themselves) would receive at least the most basic care. I was horrified to see that the few who had been determined disabled before 18 with parents who had paid in enough to Social Security had Medicare (very few). The rest had Medicare. None received dental care and were suffering from unbelieveable dental issues due to antiseizure and other medications that had depleted their calcium over the years. Some of them worked at day programs stuffing envelopes and such and still couldn't pay co-pays, the portion not covered, etc... Many of my co-workers were from other countries and shared with me that before they arrived in America they didn't believe that we had ghettos, poverty, mentally ill homeless and such as all they heard was the millions and billions of dollars we used to fund our oil war and rebuild Iraq as well as our focus on the human rights of people in other countries when the human rights of our own citizens was not a priority. Don't allow hysterical fear based lies to scare you. Investigate this cause on your own and think about 9 million uninsured children and all of the elderly who worked hard their entire lives who go without medical care and medication because they can barely afford groceries. If so many other countries can do it, surely the greatest country in the world can do it. Of course the Insurance Industry is lobbying harder than ever and starting many of the lies because the money we pay them for health care, our co-pays, deductibles and things like pre-existing conditions or things that aren't covered would pay for Health Care Reform. I took healthcare for granted for so many years when I was younger, healthier and a combined family income of $100,000+ annually. You may not believe that you can loose it all and end up on the bottom of the socio-economic class system, but believe me in a heart beat you can lose your health and everything you own and your perspective would be far different from the bottom of the class system in our country. I will not stand by and do nothing when this may be our last chance to save this country that I love so much. No matter what you feel about the Kennedy family, think about during many of the most greedy decades of our country when they could have used their fortune to live leisurely lives, they spent their lives fighting for those who did not have their privilege and wealth. I am amazed that we cannot have intelligent dialog about such important issues at a time when our country needs us to come together as Americans rather than divide by religion, political affiliation, have or have not before it's too late. Last night we were a very diverse group of people coming together; Vetrans, Nurses, a Public Defender, a Pharmacist since the late 70's when Blue Cross/Blue Sheild was non-profit (before it turned into Anthem for profit), disabled people, young people, older people, poor people, middle class and even some affluent people. I am encouraged and am committed to do everything I can to make a difference in my corner of the world. Look into your heart and imagine the most vulnerable people you love and imagine them being ill and not being able to get medical care. My Father-in-Law retired from Social Security and has either a form of ALS or Parkinson's and has gone over the limit for respite care and my 70 year old mother-in-law works as a teacher and has many serious health issues, but cannot retire because they are being sued for everything they own because my father-in-law had to stay less than a week more than what is allowed. My in-laws spent their lives as law abiding, tithing and faithful Christians, always donated to charity to give to people who are less fortunate and lived their beliefs. They did everything "the right way" and they never believed they could ever end up in their current situation. Don't believe what you hear, do the research and look into your heart before you form your opinion on such an important issue.

xo Susi xo

Transforming My Life

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

through their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life that you could save.

Stardust & Moonbeams

The first time I ever remember feeling stardust & moonbeams was watching Michael Jackson performing with the Jackson 5 on The Ed Sullivan show. I fell in love...with Michael, the music and dancing. I'd been dancing since I slid out of Mom's womb, but that night took it to a new level. The Osmonds? Fugetaboutit. Every performance kept getting better and more exciting. When my peers were getting high and having sex, I was watching Soul Train and American Bandstand and tearing up my Grandmother's basement. Over the years I grew from a very shy young girl who only danced in the house around family and friends to a woman who will get up on an empty dance floor by myself if a song calls out to me. Life's too short to care what other people think because it brings me so much joy. It all started with a cute little boy with a velvet hat who could move unlike anyone I'd ever seen before. Over the years it has been hard to read and listen to cruel people who would make fun of someone who obviously struggled with demons and pain unlike most of us could even imagine. Where was the compassion? Self-righteous people who judge people and situations that they know absolutely NOTHING about. Haters. Oh, and for the self proclaimed "Christians", doesn't the Bible say something about not judging lest you be judged or let he who is without sin throw the first stone? I, for one, know for a fact that only the people involved in the accusations against Michael Jackson really know the truth about what really happened. How many parents out there would take a hush money payoff if they believed someone had molested their child? How many would leave their child in the care of an accused child molester? My heart goes out to his children, his parents, and the rest of his family. How sad that such a great talent who lived a life of isolation and pain would die under such tragic circumstances. I choose to mourn the loss of a creative legend and celebrate his life and many accomplishments rather than speculate on rumors and unproven accusations.

Tonight I watched some video clips from years ago and it took me back...to an innocence...a time when the whole world was a different place and I remembered the hope we all felt. Music can do that, it can take us back in time and just for a moment we remember exactly how we felt and what the world was like at that time. Every Michael Jackson song I heard made me feel light and happy. He leaves behind a great legacy. It has me thinking about what legacy I want to leave behind when I go.

xo Susi xo

Do It Now!

When my boys were young, I was encouraged to go to the community college and take a class to engage my mind and get me out of the house. Perhaps a pottery class. I scheduled my appointment with the advisor and during our session I found out that I could apply for Pell Grants if I chose a program of study and went to school full-time. At that time I was very shy, but I was also very driven so I signed up for Liberal Arts and scheduled myself to begin full-time classes Summer semester. I didn't know they were accelerated and I was busing my a&$ and making straight A's and finally I pulled one of my classmates aside and told her there was no way that I could do the same again Fall semester. She got a big kick out of that and then explained to me that somebody should have explained that because they had to cram just as much information in during the Summer semester, the admissions office or advisor should have explained that everything is concentrated and accelerated. She told me that if I could make the Dean's list Summer semester, the rest would be a piece of cake. I ended up changing to General Studies for transfer purposes only since I had already taken the required foreign language credits. I was invited to join Phi Theta Kappa and chosen 2000-2001 Talented Student by the National College Board. I had three classes left to get my Associate's degree and transfer to a four-year college when my Mother had to have a liver transplant and I took a leave of absence. Life happened in between and I never went back. Now is the time. I have decided to return to school Fall Semester and I am beginning to feel very excited about it. I'm a taking back control of my life after so many things that have happened that I had no control over. I just feel deep in my gut that this is the first step in creating a new life post "empty nest." Recessions and Depressions don't last forever and I want to be prepared when the economy recovers. I want to have more choices and to be able to help my sons during these early years of getting on their feet. I was offered scholarships when the boys were young and I had to turn them down and work full-time. Hopefully, if I work really hard, I will have new opportunities to make this dream come true.

Is there something you've been putting off for the "right time"? I keep reminding myself, "If not now, when?"

Be daring, be bold, be true to yourself,

xo Susi xo

Where Will I Be Five Years From Today?

As I slowly come out of my "empty nest break down", I've begun to look around my home and accept that we don't need this big house and yard anymore. When the boys were little, I dreamed of a home filled with the memories of their lives and keeping their rooms the same so when they came home from college they would know it was and would always be their home. In those daydreams Mark wasn't disabled at 39 and my oldest son wouldn't be stricken with such horrific health problems. Society always showed how happy parents were when their kids moved away to college so I definitely didn't expect the devastating heartbreak that knocked me to my knees and made me question if I even had a purpose in life anymore. My youngest son marrying his sweetheart and moving to Texas while she's deployed in Iraq seems to have been the turning point. My oldest son is undergoing treatment and will be having surgery to remove a tumor from his brain and we will be helping him return to college to complete his Master's Degree in Recording Arts in Florida. I've begun cleaning, purging and then we will begin fixing the house up with the hope of selling it and relocating to a place more suited to new dreams and a new way of living. Last week I came across this book "5 Where will you be five years from today?" that I picked up at Starbucks during the Christmas holiday. It is a Compendium book. I love books published by Compendium. Anyway, I've been working through some of the excercises in the book and thinking about where I hope to be in five years. It's a great book filled with inspirational quotes, interesting facts and fun excercises to get you thinking about what you want and what you need to do to accomplish your goals and dreams.

Where do you hope to be five years from today? (260 weeks...1,825 days...2,333,000 minutes),

Leave a comment, I'm curious about the dreams and plans of the people who stop by to read my thoughts and ideas.

xo Susi xo

All My Life I've Been Searching

Such a cliche', but true. Like Dorthy, I went searching for something that I already posessed. Sometimes I've beem filled with regret for all of those wasted years that was so strong it crippled me. I have recently reconciled myself to the understanding that every road of my journey and every fellow traveler that I have met up to this point was very necessary to bring me to this wonderful place and space I now find myself. I am filled with a gratitude that I never imagined a person could feel in such hard times. Although it feels that my transformation took place over a few month's time, I know that it was a long time in the making. Seeds that had been planted long ago finally took root because the soil had been prepared and some very wonderful people nourished and nurtured me. My childhood left me with deep scars and a rage so deep and wide that it scared me and the people closest to me. I had been searching for peace and healing from as far back as I can remember, but only when I received the news that I was going to be a Mother more than twenty-four years ago did the real work begin. Becoming pregnant filled me with a purpose, a direction and a sense of urgency. I stumbled and fell many times while I was raising my sons, but they gave me a reason...no a responsibility to get back up and keep putting one foot in front of the other when sometimes that was the best I could do. They have grown into two of the most amazing young men inspite of my failures. I have come to realize the best gift I can give them and myself is to continue to strive to be the best me I can be every day, to live a meaningful life and be a source of strength and inspiration. The past few years I have been almost consumed with grief and regret that I am ashamed to say that I have been more of a burden to them. I am becoming...a work in progress and I am filled with hope and gratitude. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you beautiful souls who have reached out to me and touched my life with your words of support and encouragement. I couldn't have made it this far, as wounded as I was, without the angels that walk among us gently whispering in my ear just what I needed to hear to take another step rather than lay down and give up. My faith in and connection to humanity is strong today and I no longer feel alone on my journey.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to stop by and share your thoughts, opinions and enriching my life.

xo Susi xo